URBAN PARENTING: Dealing with Other Parents' Rules

I have a bad reputation among other parents, I think: I set the bar too low.

I am not proud of it. But it fits our family style and our child.

I was brought up in a family that did not have that many rules, but what rules we had were built on common sense and common courtesy. When I was a teen, I did not have a curfew. But when I went out, my parents always asked where I was going and when I expected to be home. Their explanation seemed totally rational…they want to know where I was so that they could get a hold of me in an emergency. They wanted to know when I expected to be home so they knew when to start worrying that something was wrong. I could call and push back the time, they just needed to know. I expected them to tell me the same thing if they went out.

They also had the rule that anytime I needed a ride to get out of a bad situation, I could call my mom. She would come—no questions asked—and pick me up and get me home. She said this was protection against drunken dates, etc., but I saw it as my escape hatch.

I never used that “call a friend/mom” option. But by high school, I had been in a couple of scrapes and had learned how to get myself out of them. I had taken a friend’s keys away, slipped away from a scary boy situation and thrown up on our front lawn. I know now my parents probably guessed at all these shenanigans, but did not say a word. None of these were good experiences, but they taught me a lot and prevented me from going any further with drinking, drugs or boys. I still remember those lessons.

My husband comes with a similar background on family discipline. He may be a little tougher on the dating-boys side, but that is what dads do!  As he explained early to our daughter, the room we give her to roam in is pretty darn big, but the fence that encircles it is “electric.” She will know when she hits that electric fence! Having it be a bit mysterious is a great deterrent.

My youngest brother also gave me a tip. Even if you are the parent with the least
rules, allow your child to invoke” parent wrath” when needed. He explained that we should let our daughter know she can say “…my dad will KILL me if….” Or “…my mom will ground me if…” and we would support her. Invoking the wrath of a parent is a great dodge when pressed to misbehave.

I realize my rules do not fit every child and every situation. It just works for our family and our situation.