Hot off the presses comes news of the most selective among the nation's highly selective colleges and universities.
Princeton? Nope. Harvard? Uh uh. Stanford, perhaps? Go fish!
No, this year's most selective college in America, hands down, is none other than Maza State, a small, liberal arts college in the town (formerly city) of Maza, North Dakota.
Ah yes. Maza State. Not on every student's tip of the Common App. Or any student’s, for that matter. And yet, in this quaint burb somewhere far removed from even the likes of Fargo, lies this college few (any?) have heard of, now atop the heap as America's most selective college.
Maza, ND. Population: 4. [The population was 5, as per the 2000 Census. Whatever happened to Uncle Zeke, anyway?] Home of Maza State College.
Maza State began its long and sometimes listless climb to selectivity back in 1863 as the Maza School. Founded by Quakers (shortly after they founded oats in Maza's vast fields of grain), the college rose to prominence when North Dakota was admitted to the Union back in 1889, President Benjamin Harrison delivering the commencement address. It was then he proclaimed, "What the heck do we need with two Dakotas, anyway?"
And just how did tiny Maza State get this coveted "most selective" accolade, asked The College Whisperer™?
"Simple," said Maza's Acting (he also chairs the Theater Department) Dean of Admissions, Harold Q. Pendermundt. "We simply refused to accept a single student."
Not a one? "Nope." Nobody? "Nada," yelled Pendermundt, proudly. "The Class of 2018 will have zero -- count 'em, nunca -- graduates. Oh, wait. There's Charlie Shmendriksonn, Martha's boy. He's been enrolled since twenty aught six. He may earn enough credits to graduate by then. Heh, heh..."
How many applicants did Maza State have, Dean? "Well, if you count my Nephew, Harnish -- he's five, but we let him play on Common App -- we had 3 Early Action, 15 Regular Decision, and 3246 that we diverted from the University of South Dakota."
Diverted? "Yup. They was stranded at the bus station in Vermillion, and we sent Elmer down in his 1964 Volkswagon Beetle to give 'em a ride to campus. Poor kids. We darn near had 'em believing that Maza State was the college they saw on the USD virtual tour, until the dust storm passed, dag nabbit."
And you didn't accept any of them? "No sir. Not even that smarty pants with the 2400 on the SAT."
Why not? "Marketing, young man. Marketing. How often does a small time college in a nothing of a town, smack dab in the middle of a state that no one wants to visit, let alone live in -- or get pregnant in, heh, heh --have the opportunity to claim that fifteen minutes of fame?"
So Maza State will have a freshman class of, er..... "Zero. That's right. Not a blessed soul to disturb the solitude of the tumbleweed as it meanders gently in the breeze across our beautiful campus. And just think. Without having all those silly essays to read, I had all the time in the world to Tweet... Well, until the Internet went down at Slocum's General Feed and Grain. Then it was five card stud every night."
So it must get pretty lonely at Maza State, Dean? "I'll say. Lucky we have that mule. And, of course, right here in our great State of North Dakota, we have such national treasures as Mount Rushmore and the Crazy Horse Memorial."
Um, that's South Dakota. "Well, you never mind that. Once our new Governor, Kim Jong Un, nukes those bastards, there'll only be one Dakota. And we'll get George McGovern out of the White House yet!"
So there you have it, folks. You heard it here first. Alert U.S. News & World Report. America's most selective college. Maza State. Let the applicants for the Class of 2019 beware!
APRIL FOOLS :-) [With apologies to the great University of North Dakota.]
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The views and opinions expressed in this blog are solely those of The College Whisperer™. Who knows what peril lurks in the college application and admissions process? The College Whisperer™ knows. . .
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